I Can't Hear What You're Saying for What You're Saying

It is common to hear psychologists and counselors state that the primary obstacle to healthy and wholesome relationships is poor communication. It would be hard to argue with that premise, especially when one remembers that communication is more than the use of words. This must be a fabric in the mosaic of human DNA as the New Testament regularly mentions toxic speech practices and subsequent damage. Read James and you’ll have a sudden urge to use mouthwash; and he was writing to Christians! Of course, if your mother washed your mouth out with soap you already know that bad language has consequences. That happened to me so many times that I regularly blew bubbles when I coughed or sneezed. If you’ve ever been hurt by words you know firsthand the power of the tongue. Chances are you have also inflicted damage upon someone else with careless talk. Sadly, words go in both directions with ease. Words may seem to be free and easy but in reality they are neither.

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks are psychologists who have published seventeen books on communication and relationships. The following is a distillation of their seven keys to great communication:

1. Listen generously (like James wrote, “be quick to listen and slow to talk”)
2. Speak unarguably (use statements of fact rather than assigning blame)
3. Appreciation (there needs to be a 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint)
4. Turn complaints into requests
5. Admit that you may also be part of the problem
6. Pick your battles wisely
7. Never invalidate someone’s feelings just because you don’t share them
   

It’s hard to argue that listening more and speaking less is a plus; or with seeking the positives in people rather than taking the easy option of pointing out their shortcomings; but the biggest lesson might be in not invalidating someone’s feelings. A feeling is what it is and refuting its reality won’t make it magically disappear. A kind word of appreciative affirmation might do the trick, however. So if you ever reach a communication quandary, ask WWJD (What Would James Do)? The answer will be simple: shut up and listen; always be nice; don’t complain; and if all else fails, shut up and listen. Sounds like a plan to me.

MM

Jesus Loves You, But I'm His Favorite

There is a t-shirt design that reads Jesus Loves You, But I’m His Favorite. I know this because I own one and wear it from time to time. I have yet to wear it without receiving a comment from someone I don’t know. Sadly, most of the comments have been voiced from the “who do you think you are” side of the aisle. Apparently many Christians don’t believe that I am Jesus’ favorite human. My response is always the same: “Hey, what can I say, the truth often hurts.” The conversation normally ends at that point, but the irony persists. I’m not vain and I’m not a theological nutcase. I know that Jesus loves everyone equally (let’s all sing along now, red and yellow, black and white…) but I am also convinced that Jesus loves each of us in a way that is so personal, so intimate, so individualistic, that it’s possible for each of us to feel we are His favorite and all be correct.

I wear the t-shirt mainly to elicit conversation with seekers, the almost-interested and assorted other levels of non-faith persons. I prefer to talk about matters of faith with people who haven’t yet found their place or their purpose in life. If I get to choose between an encounter with a born-again, Bible-believing, “washed in the blood” Christian and a “lost” person, give me the not-yet-found guy every time. I like to exist in a “no church words” environment and many Christians cannot resist using a minimum of three in every sentence. Sharing one’s faith is not about talking about religion or using church words, it’s about telling your unique story. If a t-shirt like mine throws you into a tizzy, you aren’t likely to tell a compelling story about personal faith. If my t-shirt leads someone to ask, “Dude, are you really his favorite,” a door opens to a conversation about God’s love. People need to know that God loves them and has a purpose for their life; they do not need to be told about a list of rules that must be followed. Grace isn’t about rules…it’s about freedom and peace. That would make for a great t-shirt design!

MM